To whom it may concern: the age of the door to door salesman is over. I realize he was once immortalized as the youthful dreamer, pounding the pavement and seeking his place in the world; the lover trying to scrape out enough of a living to make his beloved a bride. But George Bailey is dead and the internet is very much alive. And it’s the internet (I think), that put a final end to the door to door sales way of life. In this day and age I can locate nearly any product, make a purchase and have it delivered to my house without consulting a single salesperson. There’s no hard sell and no tedious negotiations. But if all this is true why am I still being pestered by someone whose job is as obsolete as the phonebook?
I was recently roused from my morning shower by my son who informed me that there was someone at the door with a bill. Now obviously my son and I had a conversation about answering the door for a stranger, even one who “knocks funny,” or is wearing a uniform. But that aside what kind of sales person waits on the steps while a child drags their parent from the shower? The rest of the spiel was of course a hard sell about how I needed to change from my current energy provider to the one he was selling. He chided me for not keeping my old bills and virtually insisted that I enroll in his new “Green Energy” program. Which begs the question, “what defines green energy anyway?” Is there a huge wind farm around that I’m unaware of? When I asked him to leave his card he claimed not to have any. “Sorry pal, I’m not buying. Have a nice day.”
Of course energy companies are certainly not the only ones to stoop to old school tactics. How about vacuum companies, or one in particular? You know the one, in the last seventy years it’s become a household name. And admittedly they make a very sturdy product. I doubt their basic design has changed since the end of World War II. But I’ve always found the company’s recruitment of the young and directionless a little cult-like. I’ve also never actually seen a store selling this particular vacuum. I can’t help but imagine secret induction rituals and huge posters of the founder decorating corporate offices / temples somewhere. I remember a friend of mine doing a stint with the company when trying to avoid college and forming an alternative plan for his life. I don’t know whether or not he actually got his degree, but I’m pretty sure he never sold a single vacuum.
Early one morning last summer another young man knocked at my door and tried to sell me a collection of children’s books. He probably thought I would be an easy sell when he caught a glimpse of my existing library. Being that I teach, it’s a little out of control. “Look man, I don’t mean to be rude but there’s this little website called amazon… And the great thing is there’s no minimum purchase and no club fees. Sorry but no thanks.”
All this brings me to my favorite type of door to door solicitor, the “missionary.” There are two main varieties in this category. They are the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons. I’ve always found the former much less interesting than the latter. I’ve also found that the JW’s tend to be fairly easy to ward off by announcing my own denomination. (It’s one they tend to disapprove of). Mormons are a slightly different story for me. I have something of a soft spot in my heart for them, due to the fact that I would encounter their youth while traveling overseas as a young man. The only other Americans (aside from others in my group) I could talk to were Mormons fulfilling their missionary obligations. Even then though, I’d rather they not arrive unannounced at my door. I might be willing to have them over at a prearranged time, but given that coffee is forbidden to them I’m not sure how we’d fill in the awkward pauses.