I was shocked and amazed to awaken this morning on Planet Earth! I fully expected to be “raptured” sometime after midnight! I mean, I had it on good authority that my salvation was absolutely assured! What could have happened? Well a Christian apocalyptic group using the website http://www.familyradio.com has been predicting the rapture, and subsequent end of the world beginning today May 21st, 2011. Their webpage is unequivocal about the date. How did they arrive at it? Well let’s see if I can explain it… “By careful study of the Bible we learn that in the year 4990 B.C. God brought a flood of water and destroyed the entire earth except for eight people and the animals that were with them.” Wait how exactly did we arrive at this date? Well, careful study of course! I for one am now convinced! The author then falls back on an old theological parlor trick. He cites the oft maligned verse “to God a day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as a day…” which, as my brother vehemently points out, is a metaphor for the mercy of God and actually has nothing whatever to do with time. The misinterpretation is very useful to end-timers however, who turn and point out that creation took six days, and on the seventh day God rested, meaning of course that creation, and his work, was complete. Anyway, if you take the rock hard unquestionable date of the flood, 4990 BC, add the current date 2011, subtract a year for the year zero, (evidently God was fine with the random subtraction of an entire year), and abracadabra! 7,000 years!

Ok, so I realize I may be oversimplifying a bit, but honestly, not much. I should also add that the pastor behind these claims has made them before. He also stated in 1994 that the end had come. Come to find out, it hadn’t! He later corrected his mistake by explaining it was just the end of the age of the church. All our pastors and priests have been under satanic direction since 94. Who knew?! But wait.. isn’t he ah… a Pastor? I’m confused. Well its only late morning after all, so Rapture Day is still young. A friend offered me the encouragement that we actually have until 6:00 this afternoon so… of course she was still here too, so I’m not real sure what to do with that. Oh well Jesus can come back whenever he wants as far as I’m concerned. I think I’ll go ahead with my evening plans. If I suddenly find the scenery changing, so be it. That should be fun too!